A meeting was cancelled this morning leaving me ‘newtless’ and with a time credit. This should have been a positive thing, a relief – a gift really. But instead I am two hours in and doing everything I shouldn’t be and subsequently am now saying lots of things to myself that I would consider someone else saying to themselves as ridiculous.
I have so far idled away valuable time doing nothing. Incapable of concentrating. Incapacitated by the weight of stuff to do. I used to have a running joke with a friend about what her pull cord would say if she had one and even what my own would say, well lately mine has pretty much gone...’I have so much to do. I need to get some work done. I have so much to do. I have to get some work done’. Yawn or what? The wisdom of Goddess Leonie’s words, spoken with her always happy, always shining aussie accent...”one thing at a time dearheart” keep coming back to me. I would be saying to someone else, someone not me that by doing nothing they are doing something equally important. That by turning your thoughts and much cherished time to something it must be of value to some part of you. That sounds great doesn’t it? Why then am I so disappointed and cross with myself!?
At the moment I am adoring exploring the world of radical living. Words such as honest, genuine, real and authentic all fly about my thoughts like little butterflies gently distracting and holding my attention for long enough to just consider their existence. Why then is it so hard to apply these concepts to ourselves and not just our children? A short lifetime of conditioning is awaiting removal from my mind. There’s probably less discipline, guilt and ‘should do’s clogging up my grey matter than there is in most peoples, ultimately there is not a lot of grey in my matter, more primaries really with a few pastels. I am a daydreamer, easily distracted & pretty willing to do pretty much whatever I most feel like doing most of the time but it is still there...niggling guilt..lurking in the shadows. My mind is thinking it needs to step in and prevent this self-sabotage somehow, to wrangle for control of the steering wheel and get me on the right track again.
There is much work to be done in this society...or rather undone anyway. Teaching myself gentleness is coming in lots of forms. Perhaps all of this is just a way of understanding how difficult it might be for others to embrace this way of thinking..perhaps its all been a fantastic lesson in empathy, maybe it’s been a powerful and enlightening reflection or even just an hour not doing anything in-particular. Wonderful. I must remember to schedule this in next week so I can give it a healthy tick when I’m finished.