Time to look back on 2012's goddess workbook

The first year I bought the Goddess Guidebook was in 2010. I didn't complete much of it, I loved reading it, looking at it and thinking about it but was weirdly precious about actually writing in it! Keeping it all shiny and organised but effectively empty.
I found this quite striking when it came to starting to complete the next years one, 2012. In essence it illustrated a lot of what wasn't right for me. Saving stuff for the right time, waiting for the optimal conditions and perfect moment.

So last year I approached it differently. I found two friends who had also Joined the Goddess Circle the year before and we arranged a day that we would meet up, each month for the rest of the year and called it our goddess gathering. We started by meeting and talking about what we had completed so far , drew oracle cards for the year together and started a group chat between the three of us on 'What's app' where we showed our pictures, discussed entries and ideas.
A year later and we have met up about half of the times we planned....not bad for three busy mamas! One of us helped the other two complete a goal for the year when we created a piece of art together and generally we have shared, supported and stayed connected.

 

At the end of this year I have decided to continue with my membership and have begun my workbook for next year and one of us have moved to a different online tribe, with Tara Wagner, the other has found the peace she searched for and left all of the online communities, sold the possessions no longer holding their weight in her new balanced life (mostly to me hehe!) and moved on though, it goes without saying our virtual private circle on 'What's app' has stayed strong and we stay in touch daily, usually off and on for most of it. I like to think of it as our virtual garden fence.

Nowhere in my guidebook for last year did I list 'create a strong supportive friendship with two wonderful women' but if I had it would definitely have been ticked off! It has shown me the importance of having deep connections with a few select people and looking back over the year I can see how positively that has influenced me. Looking ahead a strong theme of this years book is already coming through and that is less is more. Less people in my life but all meaning more. I want to put more energy into less things. My husband and children, our home and daily life together, my fantastic mum and sisters, then the select but strong little group of friends that are growing around us.

 

 

The one where she cancels everything

I know Friends is naff. I never wanted to like it but after an accidental viewing way back in series one I actually cried laughing and fell in love with its horrible fake thin view of the world and their summary of six character types existing in it. I see it as quite strong minded of me actually to openly admit I like it and find it funny as its just not the cool thing to do!
Anyway. For those of you who share my shameless love of the sitcom you will get why I named this week to myself 'the one where Shona cancels everything'.
After realising and accepting that the Mancub is poorly, that I am subsequently exhausted and that it would be next to worthless to try and continue as planned this week I cancelled all my Appointments, my visits and meet ups. It was powerful to let go like this. To let go of what I should do. To let go of the notion I was letting anyone down. And to commit entirely rather than just verbally to being here for my son when he needed me not just physically but emotionally.
Not everyone understood. The dentist receptionist was unconvinced and a little uppity about my rescheduling, one of the people I was scheduled to meet didn't even reply to my message to acknowledge its receipt. But the majority, some in a much suckier position than me, just wholly agreed and wished me best. Even the professional bod awaiting a response from me found the time to send me get well soon thoughts and festive wishes.
Maybe I could do this more. Not in a let people down don't turn up at last minute way but in a nope I can't do that so I'm not going to kind of way.
This year was the year I began learning how to let go. It's taken a year to get this far and I can see there is still so much yet to learn too. I can see how much lighter I will feel when I have actually released all of these expectations and obligations. When I was a teenager I pretty much never did anything I didn't want to. Not in an intentionally selfish way just in a breathing in and out what feel right now way. I always felt quite true to myself and had that beautiful quality of zero care for others thoughts of me. I never expect to regress to tho sweetly naive state again, realistically not would I want to really either but I would like to have that sense of lightness and realness to my life and person again. It's like waving to a familiar but forgotten friend.
New year resolution one - get to know her again, she was fun!

Day four. Selective memories.

I had a huge circuit of errands to run today. I felt like Bear about Town with my visits to the Post Office, the bank, the library, the fabric shop, the bakers, the chemist and finally the music shop! Whilst walking along I was musing the pros and cons to moving. That's all thrown out now with our new news. I still love the community here. I feel part of something and am freaked out and reassured in equal measures by the familiarity of where I live. It's a new one to me really. I've moved lots and lots. Lots of houses, schools, jobs and friends. Rarely with any sentimentality. In fact I love moving, starting afresh in a new place, finding the short cuts, and getting to know the places to go and not to go. I miss it as its always been a big part of my life.
The other pros and cons that bubbled around my confused little hormone submerged mind was the cool things I'd forgotten about being pregnant. How lucky I am to get my sickness just before 9am and just before 9pm allowing me chance to eat and either get kids up or get them back down! Then there is the nice thick hair, that's always good.
I seem to have completely forgotten though how immobilised I was by headaches and heartburn. How my already ruined teeth suffer even more and then the mood swings. Hmm. Having had a beautiful birth with my second child I had no need to block out certain bits of the birth this time...it would appear I left that for what I thought had been my perfect pregnancy.

Day three. A rabbity mush.

Newt loves watching 'The curse of the were-rabbit' (fortunately we are all Wallace and gromit fans in this house otherwise it might have worn thin by now).
There's a scene where Wallace, who is by now half man half rabbit, is trying to repair an invention that will restore his human form...but the wires all look random to him and the cable connectors like giant carrots. He exclaims to Gromit that 'its no use...my mind is just a rabbity mush' before bursting into exasperated tears.
Well. That's pretty much how I feel trying to get anything done at the moment.
Fortunate to not have horrific sickness or many of the other pregnancy downsides experienced by so many the curse for me is losing my brain!
In a one woman business, unschooling family and at what will be one of our busiest times of the year family wise with Christmas and Birthdays to consider I really can't be waving goodbye to my dear friends logic and rationality right now. I regularly ignore and overrule them but I still enjoy their company. Think an evening getting reacquainted with a good list is in order to try and manage the damage control now before things start to go wrong.

Day two. People in shock x2

After not quite knowing how to raise the surprise subject of the new baby with my lovely, unsuspecting husband a subject arose over dinner last night that offered the perfect opportunity.
We started discussing the folk festival, our annual holiday away together camping in nearby, Cambridge.
I nervously said 'we probably won't be able to go after all this year anyway'. Hippy looked up from his plate in horror at the suggestion and responded instantly with a why??!
I opened and closed my mouth a few times before I managed to say because we will be expecting a baby any day by then! By the look on his face this wasn't clear enough as he just looked very confused! Once I had told him I was pregnant though then what his face became a mirror of mine earlier that day. One of shock and happiness. He kissed me and said how great it was meanwhile I still knew he was just like me....completely blown away.
Over the course of today though, day two, I had two nice little revelations that both helped me feel a bit more with it about the whole thing. The first was whilst I was out shopping in the morning. Surrounded by Christmas lights, piles of gifts and merch as far as the eye could see I suddenly felt all emotional and moved to think of the beautiful little secret gift I had with me. How amazing it was and how grateful I was for it. I distracted myself with the Mancub who was happily collecting arm fulls of bubble mixtures and striding off to the till just to stop myself getting all over emotional and teary eyed in the toy department.
The second little moment was when both me and hippy realised just how excited newt will be when we tell her the news. A new baby and playmate all in one. She will talk about it to everyone she meets and I know she will expect to be there when the baby is ready to be born (she was most put out that she couldn't be there when either of our good friends had babies recently...she genuinely couldn't get why she couldn't go to see it!).
Things are so different this time. She is so much older yet despite the almost identical age differences Mancub seems so much younger than she did when we began this journey last time.

Now for the next challenge - keeping it secret for two weeks...should be interesting!

Day one. A surprise.

After a small collection of little things that happen when I'm either overdue my period or pregnant happened today I purchased a pack of two tests whilst out and about on our travels.
It was the same shop I purchased the test from that told me the last big surprise we had, that I was pregnant with my son. It might well have even been the same shop assistant who put it through the till into a little bag for me so no one might see it, all whilst expertly avoiding eye contact and seeming like it was all very normal and not a massively life changing purchase at all.
I thought it was all cool and unfussy and that I would probably wait until this evening or maybe even tomorrow to open it, if needed. When this has happened before sometimes purchasing the test is enough to make that late period turn up. A bit embarrassed at its tardiness but there all the same.
Imagine my surprise when in fact the first chance I got I dashed into the toilet to get it out the way. I think I just didn't want my already mushy mind space getting any more clogged up with the 'am I - aren't I' rollercoaster of emotions that follows a late period.
Then there it was. The red line in the square window! Woah. Wasn't expecting that. I hadn't taken the test to find out I was pregnant I took it to confirm that I wasn't.
Shock and surprise..(.and the heavy tiredness!) set in and stayed until later that day when I retook the test just in case. Nope. It changed even faster than before this time. Wow. Baby number three it is then.