The mancub

If child development is supposed to be some gradual, almost unnoticeable build up of changes then the mancub hasn't been following the rules (for a change).

I've always theorised that females have slower, but more constant changes to their bodies and minds, whilst males have sudden bursts of metamorphosis. I'm not talking puberty here though I guess that's the most obvious with girls gradually looking more womanly and boys suddenly waking up one day sounding and looking like they've made a wish on a creepy fortune machine a la the movie 'Big'!  It's throughout life, at the other end of the spectrum men look the same for years then suddenly look, well, old.

Anyway. I digress. The mancub has been blasting out changes daily. He's pretty much dropped daytime sleeps (much to the annoyance of Newt who is missing her hour of peace and iPad time), he's stopped using nappies at all now - even at night and for days out, and the biggy - he's just started actually talking. Not just one or two things that I am able to translate actually saying new words all day long. It's as if he's realised he can so he is. Each time looking at me proudly afterwards with an edge of surprise that matches my own. It's lovely.

It's also quite poignant and a bit emotional for me. As I wait to meet my new little person who is growing inside me it's as if they are waiting a day here and there just enough for him to be that tiny bit more ready than he was the hour before. 

Last night we didn't quite rock the daytime nap drop, he was exhausted and ready to sleep from far to early and woke disorientated and weepy at about half eleven. He didn't even open his eyes as he walked zombie like, arms out front into my room across the hall and climbed into bed and into my arms. He nestled like a baby and put his arm around my waist in the manly reassuring manner he has always done and slept. As I looked down at his sweet blonde curls framing his face, his light freckles tickling his nose and cheeks and his long lashes pressed tightly shut I felt complete and utter love for my baby boy. And yet at the same time a sense of letting go too. 

I think we are both ready now to welcome this new little life. I wonder if tonight will be the night. Will tomorrow morning be the morning that mancub climbs into bed with me to find me not alone? How will he feel? What will his smiley face really read? Oh wow, this motherhood thing is intense sometimes!

Bottoms up

Well first we had the surprise of baby. Then there was the good ole 'it might be twins' week....and for now things have been pretty quiet.

I've been feeling good apart from a potential pelvic girdle pain flare up that settled after a few weeks (over did the hill walking on a home ed trip...entirely my own fault). But then today at my final check before I'm on a home run for our planned Homebirth we have the rather fun news that baby is now breech. 

At 36 weeks I'm not worried, there's time to move and this baby has been every way every day now...it's just a very wriggly little person (and my body is clearly very loose and stretchy haha). After confidently brushing aside any concerns from midwife my brain started to whir a bit after she had left. The first was that I've just not had the same connection with this little one, I've never known what on earth they are doing in there, what's a foot and what's a head, if there was one or two and definitely not if they feel more like a girl than a boy. The second realization was that actually perhaps they have been interchanging between breech and transverse more than I thought. Having had the midwife show me what head felt like I'm now realising that what I've been thinking is bum and feet for some time is actually head and hands. Hmmmm. 

So whilst I had on my list of things to discuss cord ties...it looks like I may end up having to discuss my intention to still plan homebirth for the time being at our next visit instead.

Off to sit and read the Spinning Babies website......

Countdown has begun

Each of my pregnancies I have enjoyed waking at around 3am for a good hour or so. It would appear that this one is no different. It's hard to be frustrated at the sheer genius of my inner animal though. Preparing me so well for the coming months where this solitary time will become a shared hour of feeding and soothing.

As always at this hour baby is wriggling, turning and kicking. Who knows who started the rhythm of waking now, was it them waking me or me waking them.....I like to think that we wake together. Already deeply in sync. 

As I try to think of a way to use this hour or so of half awakened consciousness my memories drift back to the beautiful birth of my son. It was at this time that things started to become more serious, harder to ignore. I could no longer cat nap through the rhythmic contractions stretching my body and I headed on downstairs to try some new positions to rest in on the sofa whilst listening to some waves and other soothing sounds. 

I wonder if it will be so peaceful and purposeful this time. So gently guided by an inward intuition of what we both needed to do. 

I hope so. It is such an amazing thing to reflect on whenever I doubt my body's strength, or my own power as a woman. 

Whatever happens it won't take anything away from the wonderful night, and the memories of him arriving into my arms, bathed in the early morning sunshine. 

Perhaps this is the best way to use this hour of quiet awareness. This is my mental yoga, my emotional breathing techniques to practice. 

Finally I am welcoming a few yawns and the return of heavy eyelids. In the future world of my dawn time feeds baby must be ready to go back to sleep now and it must be my time to snuggle down and join them. Sweet dreams world x

Enjoying our time together

About three months into this pregnancy I had a wobbly week or two.
My youngest, the mancub, was still so much my baby. Was it unfair of me to not start 'preparing' him somehow? Should I be easing him 'off me' if there was such a thing? We sleep snuggled up, he fed from me still and whilst newt goes off and has days out, and even weekends away with family he stays firmly here with me. Not because he wants to necessarily but just because he's the little one & it's easier for him to be with me.
As his daytime naps became more sporadic the daytime feeds slipped off completely. Before long it was only a bit of bedtime and breakfast booby...as much about getting him to sleep and letting me have a bit longer in the morning - not essential but just what was wanted and worked for us both. All of a sudden there was a week where he fell asleep every night without asking for boob. A week later I tried offering him a drink and a snack at 5am (his usual wake up time) and that's where we stayed. Thanks to my irritation at the continuous crumbs in the bed (argh pet hate alert) the snacking in bed faded out too now. We just have a drink, a cuddle and get up. Booby has finished though he occasionally still asks when he wakes. But for now the night long snuggles haven't.
I decided instead of preparing him for having me less I'd make sure that these final few months he has me as much as he can. I'm his.
On the days when Newt is out and about with others I've made a special effort to enjoy each other. Instead of using it as a chance to catch up on work I've used it as time to be together.
We've explored the riverbank. Played cars and read stories (....well the same story..over and over!).

Preparing him through attachment, through love and connection feels so much more right. I've been woken by kisses and strokes instead of demands. He runs to get his sandals when Newt leaves for her grandmas instead of crying at the door, knowing we will go somewhere together soon.

 

There is plenty of time for him to not need me. I'm just going to savour this time that he does.

Week 29 - As you were

Well it's been an eventful few days. Or rather it hasn't. I've been on a huge journey and feel like so much has changed yet nothing is any different.

Last week at my routine midwife appointment my midwife, who has been my midwife for all of this and both of my other pregnancies, thought she could hear two heartbeats, one each side. She couldn't work out what position baby was in and was concerned about the general size of bump (though not huge it was very high and full).
Thing is. I wasn't sure either. For about a month I've thought the movements seemed to be very continuous, the position of baby hard to fathom and in general...I felt very full. Whereas last time there was never any doubt to my connection with baby this time I've found it harder. I've felt different and since early on have joked and teased my already anxious husband about there being two!

We talked and I agreed that this would be one of those situations that a scan would be acceptable for us. I had already decided that before I went in had there been any doubt about multiples. The earliest scan I could get was four days later on Monday. Before leaving I quickly slipped in the next most important question....had she done many twin home births?!

On the long walk home though the emotional roller coaster set pace. Coupled with no lunch (cue instant upset lol) I was already finding it hard not to think about it. Kind of like sitting in an empty room with only a red button saying 'do not push'. This was the first day. Shock and slight panic. The second day was the classic guilt, embarrassment and fear. Fear of there being only one and feeling stupid. Fear of there being two. Embarrassment of how much weight I've put on. Guilt at how if there was just one how anything else could all be my fault...too much sugar, too little exercise. Why haven't I been more careful. How did I let it get so bad as to give myself gestational diabetes or worse. Thankfully day three was easier. Poor dude blurted it out to a friend at a festival - I had the upper hand now of being able to say...way to go to keep a secret! We just didn't go there all day, quietly reassuring and loving each other was enough that day. And day four my brain decided enough was enough and it would take charge. It stepped in with the one thing that it knows I will always listen to and cannot ignore. Money worries. It decided to spend the day making me panic and freak about our general lack of finance. Thanks brain. Worked though.

By the time we actually went into the maternity unit I was back to thinking that there would be only one and was not really even surprised when the scan showed just one wriggly mobile busy baby.

It's left a strange deluge of baggage washed up on the shore though. Though my mind is obviously relieved...five months ago I was freaking slightly at the prospect of fitting in just one baby after all....yet my heart feels sad a bit still. This baby has not had any of the excitement and attention the other two earnt. The guilt is already present for that. And I feel strangely now like I haven't any excuse for taking it easy a bit like I would have had there been two little pairs of feet squiggling around in there. Which is daft I know. I'm still having a baby. I'm still mum to two younglings, running a home and a business. Somewhere along the way having a third baby and my general day to day exposure to baby land had taken some of the sacred magic out of all of this.
I also discovered that despite my general feeling of impartialness to the idea of having to go to hospital etc that in fact the only reason I'm so ok about it is that I've not had anything to do with the place for five and a half years! I'm not as ok with it as I thought I was. I was a wreck on the inside at the potential loss of power just going into reception. Might need to work on that after all, you never know what's going to happen even with a Homebirth. I don't fancy tackling that one much during or after labour or something.

I am trying not to think about whether the scan itself was unnecessary now either. Thats Pointless now. I think I needed it this time to ease my multiple mindset. Though I know my midwife respects my decision not to scan and has never pushed against my choice not to have any blood tests etc either I also knew she would probably raise it again at some point in the nine months as we already discussed her feelings towards going into Homebirth without knowing placenta location last time round. At least I can say for sure now there is nothing for them to bother me about and I can go back to slipping nicely under the radar as suits me.

I'll go back to being my nearly normal self. To the outside world I'd never been anywhere anyway. All I'll say is, in the words of Vinny Jones 'its been emotional'.

Here comes the Sun..

Spring arrived this weekend. Focusing on the seasons as we do has been interesting this year as apart from a change in the seasonal table, the books that sit alongside it and the colours of the play silks there has been little to demonstrate the difference between winter and spring.

When the sun slowly crept out this morning it was as if it too was stiff and slow from the lack of use all of these months. I enjoyed one of my lifes little pleasures and hung out the washing to sway dry on the line as it's gentle quiet heat warmed my back. I was joined by Mrs Blackbird, who was just like me, pottering and caring for her home and children as she busied herself flitting through the moss and earth in our guttering and between our roof slates. We acknowledged each others presence and continued on with our respective jobs.

As I returned to the house I actually felt a huge weight lift. A deep internal emotional sigh of relief at the start of spring and the end of winter. It has been a long one and all in all quite a challenging one too.
I've never minded winter before and in fact, whilst others cursed and moaned the cold and dark I've always quite enjoyed the cleansing regroup it provides. Reflecting what is going on outside we stay close together, eating rich, nurturing food and protecting ourselves from the elements. But not this year. This year it feels like it has been a strain. I've genuinely struggled with feelings of heaviness and exhaustion. From a delibitating lack of motivation and interest. My devotion and patience as a mother has been tested and my passion and energy for all else faded and tired.
At first I thought it was the pregnancy. Having never experienced SAD like so many others do this time of year it was another obvious assumption to reach. It was my fault. My poor diet. My lack of exercise and numerous other things I should be and wasn't doing. Then at around month four of baby's life I realised it was more than that. This left me more frightened that the pregnancy depression I had when I was pregnant with my second child had returned. In fact, to the point of actually calling and attracting the same issues, misunderstandings and disconnections between me and my soul mate. We bumbled through a few weeks, out of sync and disjointed. But then I just knew it wasn't something 'in' me this time. It was from outside. It was happening to me not from me.  I almost wept a few joyful tears of release as I came back into the house.

I made it. It's going to be ok. Spring has arrived.

Arrival of the supersonic hearing

The first 'that was weird' moment that actually made me wonder if I was pregnant was when stood at the top of the stairs, two rooms away, I could smell the Mancub needed a poo (apologies if that's too much information). With practicing EC with him until about 6 mths its a pregnancy symptom that doesn't fade and is actually really useful. Though it hadn't gone altogether it certainly wasn't that sharp anymore. I stood on the bottom step and thought 'oh hang on a minute'!!

Well at 3am this morning my super sharp hearing arrived. Blissfully unaware of next doors 8 week old baby until then I woke to the distant sound of crying and that was that. I stayed awake until 4.40am ish. Co-sleeping has meant that though I need mother level hearing in case someone wanders around during the night the bat level sonar has been surplus to requirements and must have gone about a year ago.

Funny how you forget all these primitive changes that happen deep inside. So essential from an evolutionary perspective...the ones whose mothers had it made it to pass it along. Blunt but real. So many things people see as problems, pregnancy issues, or complaints. Are they? I celebrate our wonderful mammalian bodies and all they provided us...though, I have to admit. I would prefer to celebrate over breakfast at 7.30am after a nice long deep sleep. After all, my creaky terrace isn't quite the cave we may have once dwelled in and my fat cat downstairs is hardly the predator I need to protect my young from nor does the clank of the milkman's bottles need to sound like an alarm bell in the early hours.  Why couldn't I have inherited some of the genes from the mothers whose children were better cared for and well fed because their mothers had had a descent nights sleep!? I'd like me some of those..

Week 10: Outing ourselves.

We started to tell people this week about baby. I think we both realised it was not going to feel any more real until we did. We could quite happily carry on as if everything was the same and not all different which was easy but not helping us to get our head around it!
But the weird thing is...everything is the same. It's the future that's changed not now. And even then it was only a possible future, one that existed in our minds eye only. There's a cool Buddhist quote along the lines of 'if you are depressed you are living in the past, if you are anxious you are living in the future. If you are at peace you are living in the now' or words to that effect! Sounds right to me.

The one where she cancels everything

I know Friends is naff. I never wanted to like it but after an accidental viewing way back in series one I actually cried laughing and fell in love with its horrible fake thin view of the world and their summary of six character types existing in it. I see it as quite strong minded of me actually to openly admit I like it and find it funny as its just not the cool thing to do!
Anyway. For those of you who share my shameless love of the sitcom you will get why I named this week to myself 'the one where Shona cancels everything'.
After realising and accepting that the Mancub is poorly, that I am subsequently exhausted and that it would be next to worthless to try and continue as planned this week I cancelled all my Appointments, my visits and meet ups. It was powerful to let go like this. To let go of what I should do. To let go of the notion I was letting anyone down. And to commit entirely rather than just verbally to being here for my son when he needed me not just physically but emotionally.
Not everyone understood. The dentist receptionist was unconvinced and a little uppity about my rescheduling, one of the people I was scheduled to meet didn't even reply to my message to acknowledge its receipt. But the majority, some in a much suckier position than me, just wholly agreed and wished me best. Even the professional bod awaiting a response from me found the time to send me get well soon thoughts and festive wishes.
Maybe I could do this more. Not in a let people down don't turn up at last minute way but in a nope I can't do that so I'm not going to kind of way.
This year was the year I began learning how to let go. It's taken a year to get this far and I can see there is still so much yet to learn too. I can see how much lighter I will feel when I have actually released all of these expectations and obligations. When I was a teenager I pretty much never did anything I didn't want to. Not in an intentionally selfish way just in a breathing in and out what feel right now way. I always felt quite true to myself and had that beautiful quality of zero care for others thoughts of me. I never expect to regress to tho sweetly naive state again, realistically not would I want to really either but I would like to have that sense of lightness and realness to my life and person again. It's like waving to a familiar but forgotten friend.
New year resolution one - get to know her again, she was fun!

Day four. Selective memories.

I had a huge circuit of errands to run today. I felt like Bear about Town with my visits to the Post Office, the bank, the library, the fabric shop, the bakers, the chemist and finally the music shop! Whilst walking along I was musing the pros and cons to moving. That's all thrown out now with our new news. I still love the community here. I feel part of something and am freaked out and reassured in equal measures by the familiarity of where I live. It's a new one to me really. I've moved lots and lots. Lots of houses, schools, jobs and friends. Rarely with any sentimentality. In fact I love moving, starting afresh in a new place, finding the short cuts, and getting to know the places to go and not to go. I miss it as its always been a big part of my life.
The other pros and cons that bubbled around my confused little hormone submerged mind was the cool things I'd forgotten about being pregnant. How lucky I am to get my sickness just before 9am and just before 9pm allowing me chance to eat and either get kids up or get them back down! Then there is the nice thick hair, that's always good.
I seem to have completely forgotten though how immobilised I was by headaches and heartburn. How my already ruined teeth suffer even more and then the mood swings. Hmm. Having had a beautiful birth with my second child I had no need to block out certain bits of the birth this time...it would appear I left that for what I thought had been my perfect pregnancy.

Day three. A rabbity mush.

Newt loves watching 'The curse of the were-rabbit' (fortunately we are all Wallace and gromit fans in this house otherwise it might have worn thin by now).
There's a scene where Wallace, who is by now half man half rabbit, is trying to repair an invention that will restore his human form...but the wires all look random to him and the cable connectors like giant carrots. He exclaims to Gromit that 'its no use...my mind is just a rabbity mush' before bursting into exasperated tears.
Well. That's pretty much how I feel trying to get anything done at the moment.
Fortunate to not have horrific sickness or many of the other pregnancy downsides experienced by so many the curse for me is losing my brain!
In a one woman business, unschooling family and at what will be one of our busiest times of the year family wise with Christmas and Birthdays to consider I really can't be waving goodbye to my dear friends logic and rationality right now. I regularly ignore and overrule them but I still enjoy their company. Think an evening getting reacquainted with a good list is in order to try and manage the damage control now before things start to go wrong.

Day two. People in shock x2

After not quite knowing how to raise the surprise subject of the new baby with my lovely, unsuspecting husband a subject arose over dinner last night that offered the perfect opportunity.
We started discussing the folk festival, our annual holiday away together camping in nearby, Cambridge.
I nervously said 'we probably won't be able to go after all this year anyway'. Hippy looked up from his plate in horror at the suggestion and responded instantly with a why??!
I opened and closed my mouth a few times before I managed to say because we will be expecting a baby any day by then! By the look on his face this wasn't clear enough as he just looked very confused! Once I had told him I was pregnant though then what his face became a mirror of mine earlier that day. One of shock and happiness. He kissed me and said how great it was meanwhile I still knew he was just like me....completely blown away.
Over the course of today though, day two, I had two nice little revelations that both helped me feel a bit more with it about the whole thing. The first was whilst I was out shopping in the morning. Surrounded by Christmas lights, piles of gifts and merch as far as the eye could see I suddenly felt all emotional and moved to think of the beautiful little secret gift I had with me. How amazing it was and how grateful I was for it. I distracted myself with the Mancub who was happily collecting arm fulls of bubble mixtures and striding off to the till just to stop myself getting all over emotional and teary eyed in the toy department.
The second little moment was when both me and hippy realised just how excited newt will be when we tell her the news. A new baby and playmate all in one. She will talk about it to everyone she meets and I know she will expect to be there when the baby is ready to be born (she was most put out that she couldn't be there when either of our good friends had babies recently...she genuinely couldn't get why she couldn't go to see it!).
Things are so different this time. She is so much older yet despite the almost identical age differences Mancub seems so much younger than she did when we began this journey last time.

Now for the next challenge - keeping it secret for two weeks...should be interesting!

Day one. A surprise.

After a small collection of little things that happen when I'm either overdue my period or pregnant happened today I purchased a pack of two tests whilst out and about on our travels.
It was the same shop I purchased the test from that told me the last big surprise we had, that I was pregnant with my son. It might well have even been the same shop assistant who put it through the till into a little bag for me so no one might see it, all whilst expertly avoiding eye contact and seeming like it was all very normal and not a massively life changing purchase at all.
I thought it was all cool and unfussy and that I would probably wait until this evening or maybe even tomorrow to open it, if needed. When this has happened before sometimes purchasing the test is enough to make that late period turn up. A bit embarrassed at its tardiness but there all the same.
Imagine my surprise when in fact the first chance I got I dashed into the toilet to get it out the way. I think I just didn't want my already mushy mind space getting any more clogged up with the 'am I - aren't I' rollercoaster of emotions that follows a late period.
Then there it was. The red line in the square window! Woah. Wasn't expecting that. I hadn't taken the test to find out I was pregnant I took it to confirm that I wasn't.
Shock and surprise..(.and the heavy tiredness!) set in and stayed until later that day when I retook the test just in case. Nope. It changed even faster than before this time. Wow. Baby number three it is then.