The one where she cancels everything

I know Friends is naff. I never wanted to like it but after an accidental viewing way back in series one I actually cried laughing and fell in love with its horrible fake thin view of the world and their summary of six character types existing in it. I see it as quite strong minded of me actually to openly admit I like it and find it funny as its just not the cool thing to do!
Anyway. For those of you who share my shameless love of the sitcom you will get why I named this week to myself 'the one where Shona cancels everything'.
After realising and accepting that the Mancub is poorly, that I am subsequently exhausted and that it would be next to worthless to try and continue as planned this week I cancelled all my Appointments, my visits and meet ups. It was powerful to let go like this. To let go of what I should do. To let go of the notion I was letting anyone down. And to commit entirely rather than just verbally to being here for my son when he needed me not just physically but emotionally.
Not everyone understood. The dentist receptionist was unconvinced and a little uppity about my rescheduling, one of the people I was scheduled to meet didn't even reply to my message to acknowledge its receipt. But the majority, some in a much suckier position than me, just wholly agreed and wished me best. Even the professional bod awaiting a response from me found the time to send me get well soon thoughts and festive wishes.
Maybe I could do this more. Not in a let people down don't turn up at last minute way but in a nope I can't do that so I'm not going to kind of way.
This year was the year I began learning how to let go. It's taken a year to get this far and I can see there is still so much yet to learn too. I can see how much lighter I will feel when I have actually released all of these expectations and obligations. When I was a teenager I pretty much never did anything I didn't want to. Not in an intentionally selfish way just in a breathing in and out what feel right now way. I always felt quite true to myself and had that beautiful quality of zero care for others thoughts of me. I never expect to regress to tho sweetly naive state again, realistically not would I want to really either but I would like to have that sense of lightness and realness to my life and person again. It's like waving to a familiar but forgotten friend.
New year resolution one - get to know her again, she was fun!

Day four. Selective memories.

I had a huge circuit of errands to run today. I felt like Bear about Town with my visits to the Post Office, the bank, the library, the fabric shop, the bakers, the chemist and finally the music shop! Whilst walking along I was musing the pros and cons to moving. That's all thrown out now with our new news. I still love the community here. I feel part of something and am freaked out and reassured in equal measures by the familiarity of where I live. It's a new one to me really. I've moved lots and lots. Lots of houses, schools, jobs and friends. Rarely with any sentimentality. In fact I love moving, starting afresh in a new place, finding the short cuts, and getting to know the places to go and not to go. I miss it as its always been a big part of my life.
The other pros and cons that bubbled around my confused little hormone submerged mind was the cool things I'd forgotten about being pregnant. How lucky I am to get my sickness just before 9am and just before 9pm allowing me chance to eat and either get kids up or get them back down! Then there is the nice thick hair, that's always good.
I seem to have completely forgotten though how immobilised I was by headaches and heartburn. How my already ruined teeth suffer even more and then the mood swings. Hmm. Having had a beautiful birth with my second child I had no need to block out certain bits of the birth this time...it would appear I left that for what I thought had been my perfect pregnancy.

Day three. A rabbity mush.

Newt loves watching 'The curse of the were-rabbit' (fortunately we are all Wallace and gromit fans in this house otherwise it might have worn thin by now).
There's a scene where Wallace, who is by now half man half rabbit, is trying to repair an invention that will restore his human form...but the wires all look random to him and the cable connectors like giant carrots. He exclaims to Gromit that 'its no use...my mind is just a rabbity mush' before bursting into exasperated tears.
Well. That's pretty much how I feel trying to get anything done at the moment.
Fortunate to not have horrific sickness or many of the other pregnancy downsides experienced by so many the curse for me is losing my brain!
In a one woman business, unschooling family and at what will be one of our busiest times of the year family wise with Christmas and Birthdays to consider I really can't be waving goodbye to my dear friends logic and rationality right now. I regularly ignore and overrule them but I still enjoy their company. Think an evening getting reacquainted with a good list is in order to try and manage the damage control now before things start to go wrong.

Day two. People in shock x2

After not quite knowing how to raise the surprise subject of the new baby with my lovely, unsuspecting husband a subject arose over dinner last night that offered the perfect opportunity.
We started discussing the folk festival, our annual holiday away together camping in nearby, Cambridge.
I nervously said 'we probably won't be able to go after all this year anyway'. Hippy looked up from his plate in horror at the suggestion and responded instantly with a why??!
I opened and closed my mouth a few times before I managed to say because we will be expecting a baby any day by then! By the look on his face this wasn't clear enough as he just looked very confused! Once I had told him I was pregnant though then what his face became a mirror of mine earlier that day. One of shock and happiness. He kissed me and said how great it was meanwhile I still knew he was just like me....completely blown away.
Over the course of today though, day two, I had two nice little revelations that both helped me feel a bit more with it about the whole thing. The first was whilst I was out shopping in the morning. Surrounded by Christmas lights, piles of gifts and merch as far as the eye could see I suddenly felt all emotional and moved to think of the beautiful little secret gift I had with me. How amazing it was and how grateful I was for it. I distracted myself with the Mancub who was happily collecting arm fulls of bubble mixtures and striding off to the till just to stop myself getting all over emotional and teary eyed in the toy department.
The second little moment was when both me and hippy realised just how excited newt will be when we tell her the news. A new baby and playmate all in one. She will talk about it to everyone she meets and I know she will expect to be there when the baby is ready to be born (she was most put out that she couldn't be there when either of our good friends had babies recently...she genuinely couldn't get why she couldn't go to see it!).
Things are so different this time. She is so much older yet despite the almost identical age differences Mancub seems so much younger than she did when we began this journey last time.

Now for the next challenge - keeping it secret for two weeks...should be interesting!

Day one. A surprise.

After a small collection of little things that happen when I'm either overdue my period or pregnant happened today I purchased a pack of two tests whilst out and about on our travels.
It was the same shop I purchased the test from that told me the last big surprise we had, that I was pregnant with my son. It might well have even been the same shop assistant who put it through the till into a little bag for me so no one might see it, all whilst expertly avoiding eye contact and seeming like it was all very normal and not a massively life changing purchase at all.
I thought it was all cool and unfussy and that I would probably wait until this evening or maybe even tomorrow to open it, if needed. When this has happened before sometimes purchasing the test is enough to make that late period turn up. A bit embarrassed at its tardiness but there all the same.
Imagine my surprise when in fact the first chance I got I dashed into the toilet to get it out the way. I think I just didn't want my already mushy mind space getting any more clogged up with the 'am I - aren't I' rollercoaster of emotions that follows a late period.
Then there it was. The red line in the square window! Woah. Wasn't expecting that. I hadn't taken the test to find out I was pregnant I took it to confirm that I wasn't.
Shock and surprise..(.and the heavy tiredness!) set in and stayed until later that day when I retook the test just in case. Nope. It changed even faster than before this time. Wow. Baby number three it is then.

Finding the rhythm of our week.

One of the ways that we try to manage our family life/business balance is by making sure we spend at least one day a week doing certain tasks. It's taken us nearly a year to find our rhythm but finally one seems to have found us and each week we usually just about keep to it.
We often roll like this:
Monday is our pj day. We chill out the three of us whilst the hippy faces the start of another week at work. Newt has now started swimming lessons on this day which has meant we cant mooch all day as we have in the past! Tuesday hubby works from home & we clean pools. Wednesday Newt goes to her grandmas and Has teddy bear picnics & trips to the park on her bike, I have some time together with the Mancub, do house stuff and if there's time a bit of office work. Thursdays is my day off from the business. The office is closed and I either run The Natural Parenting or Natural Learning Club in the morning with fellow attachment parenting, home ed-ing families and often continue this with trips out together or play dates around a friends. Then on a Friday I work on the business, usually doing office based work, whilst the children have Haylie, our nanny/play mate come around and do fun stuff with them for the day. Fridays are my night off. We always make sure we watch a movie together, have something yummy for tea without the kids like Mexican and chill out. No work talk allowed! This leaves the weekends. These are much looser and fit more around the weather and whatever is happening in our worlds that week. We usually divvy it up with one doing practical sometimes boring stuff and one day out. Actually out. This usually falls on a Sunday, and can vary from trips to woods, the coast or just a day in the garden or local park.
I'd love to get to the stage where this all went that extra step further and we had a meal planner that fits in with this but I've pretty much accepted that its just too much for me yet. I might get there one day. I can see how cool this would be, how much easier day to day, how much food we'd save and naturally the pennies along with this. But I'll keep working on it, and try to stop my mind resisting this slight rigidity. Maybe three out of seven days will be enough for now.
I guess the most important thing to remember though is just as things seem to slump into their place something will always happen to give it all a big jump up in the air and all change. For now I will just try to enjoy the peace and not start getting itchy feet at the apparent sameness of the weeks. I'm happy knowing that in life, nothing lasts!

Free play and organic veg

We are staying overnight at my mums house, a little treat that happens every few months when nanny visits my sister. As far as the children know its because we need 'to look after the bunnies' but the reality is both that the pool workshop is at my mums and staying there gives us a whole day catching up on cleaning and maintenance AND that we get to enjoy little luxuries like an evening watching TV on a sofa & lovely hot showers!!
The only occasional downside to this though is a slight over exposure to Nickelodeon Junior, Cheerios for breakfast and all of the noisy, merchy toys that the kids love but for our own sanity we have diverted to nannies house.
Whilst here this morning we've chosen to watch Muppet Treasure island, which if you've never seen it actually makes a good effort to keep to the story and has the bonus of Tim Curry).
Newt is happily playing with her favourite toy here, my nieces old Polly Pocket dolls. It's lovely quietly sitting with but not involved with her whilst she discovers the new games she can play with them. She is oblivious to the expectations of girly toys, and is blissfully unaware of any imperfections, like one missing a head, and even that one is a boy, he gets dressed up in the same glorious gowns like all the others. For me though, the highlight was where she turned to me to ask to make them a little computer. I hesitantly asked why? Apprehensive that technology had so deeply permeated her life so soon, I did chuckle when she told me it was because otherwise they couldn't order their veg box and they'd all be hungry without any food to eat! Go Polly