A taster week..

In my attempt to honest and true with ourselves we cancelled our holiday away this week.
Though there was nothing to really officially cancel as we had both been putting off actually booking anything on Sunday evening we actually verbally cancelled the idea of time away this week. It felt sad but a relief at the same time. Hubby had a week booked off and we had planned a week in the New Forest, then a few days, then an overnight stay at the coast instead... but the reality is right now we don't have the money to flutter on a few days away and we simply do not have the time. September lived up to what I had hoped would be my busiest month to date with the business, fully booked for the whole month. Just running the business had taken my whole focus and energy - well the focus and energy I section off for business that is, I try very hard to not allow it to escape this boundary and steal much more valuable energy stored up for my children and family!

Just like with any new job or career change having a trial week to check its what you really want to do is always a good idea. So instead, this week we renamed a holiday at home and looked at it our trial week at what life would really be like if all our wishes come true and my husband begins working for our family business. It wouldn't be an unrealistic, frivolous with money as its our holiday, fantastic fun packed things every day type week...just a normal week. We had some decorating to do, some mundane jobs like sorting out our stock room, utility room, tool store and kitchen store room (aka the two massive sheds in our garden) and then just stuff that needs doing.

Its now Saturday and I think it went ok. There were a few reality kicks along the way. Like even with two adults its still impossible to leave the house on schedule, with everything we were meant to take. And then just the truth of time, that it goes fast whether you are using it wisely or not. There were also a few reassuring moments along the way too though like when I realised that it wasn't just me my kids don't like getting dressed for..its anyone...nan, dad, grandma..whoever! And also that its just hard work being fresh fun and kind with two very spirited children all day. Watching my gentle, calm husband look like he might burst as my daughter declared an unexpected outpouring of tearful tiredness and anger was obviously not great but was somehow reassuring. A 'so sometimes it is just hard. Its not me that finds it hard' kind of moment.
BUT on the total plus we had a nice chilled real week together. We did decorate the hall and stairs,  and yes did the most boring and dullest of jobs ever...carpet shop (shop might be a bit of a strong term for walking into a carpet shop, asking a sales bod what he thought was the best carpet for stairs, nodding our heads before paying and leaving!), but we also went to a fab monthly home ed group together that I never get to go to normally because its too far away, we went to the beach (briefly...wow it was windy) and Sandringham woods for a picnic tea, we hung out, went to the library, to the soft play and had lazy mornings, with slow starts and big breakfasts. We had an evening out together (evening being 4.30-7.30pm for us) where we went...wait for it..shopping. New shoes, shirts and socks for hubby (not as easy as it sounds), a mooch around the clothes shops to reaffirm just how out of touch with the world we are, and a mooch around the john lewis home department (mmmmmm) before having a quick supper at Pizza Express (we attempted to eat in ASK but the horrible music forced us to leave before we were seated) in fact, it was practically a date!

We had some nice surprises thanks to the lovely law of attraction enjoying finding our peace - the carpet cost half what we had been quoted, we were gifted two free tickets & a voucher to Legoland for October which thanks to the carpet price we can now afford to go to for two nights and we continued our busy streak at work with yet more bookings leading us into what looks like an equally busy October. I manifested a final birth 1:1 workshop booking before my licence expires and a doula enquiry from a lovely sounding family! Good good.

I don't 'think' its put hubby off. I think its made us both realise that him being here with us isn't going to necessarily make everything easier, just different. It was real I guess. It has re-energised me into striving towards the goal again too, I'll settle for not easier but together anyday.

And the day came when the risk to remain tight in the bud was

more painful than the risk it took to blossom'

Anais Nin

Today is the first day that I will officially be the owner of Gentle Water. There have been other exciting moments, key decisions and landmark events on the way but this should be the day that I drop my shoulders, lift my chin, exhale a deep breath and stride forwards.

I feel a bit rigid, a bit rusty, like the tin man might do after standing too long. I have been on a mental pause for months whilst my full and lovely life has continued. Today I will oil my joints with sunshine, and smile in anticipation both of all that awaits and all that already is. This is not about business, about work or even money, it is about life. Our life. All we want from it and we want to give back to it. I am ready.

I have thought of the words my sister spoke to me on the day I told her of how close I was to achieving everything

' What are you more afraid of, that you will fail, or that you might succeed'.

Well dear sister, finally I have an answer for you. Neither! I am not afraid...Bring it on baby!!





A test of my commitment

We spent January working on our plans for 2012 together. This may sound a long time but together with finishing off the unfinished business from 2011, completing my Goddess Guidebook workbook for the year and starting the Simply Abundance daybook a month is about right really. I call it my transition month. I was so determined not to carry certain things over into the new year but was as usual being a tad unrealistic about how long some things take and how much time I actually have in my day to do 'stuff'.

One of the little things we had both said we wanted to do this year was to only buy handmade presents for people. Be it a birthday or celebration, for a child or grown up, after a third slightly unfulfilled Christmas behind us we both felt that if we were to feel joyous in giving gifts that the value and brand would be less important than the time spent thinking, planning, picking or even...possibly..making it. For two un-talented un-crafty people this is no small task!

This week was our first real test. Two of Newt's friends sent us invites to come to their birthdays this week (er...ok probably shouldn't have been a surprise but Im still not that organised yet). Faced with the short notice of finding & ordering something suitable in time we had to think about....gulp...making something and then a slight bit of rule bending with purchasing something that was for them to make something with. Surely that works right?

I'm most pleased that Newt's patience held out (and mine too) to create a little strawberry handbag we made together from one of those kits for the first of her special little friends. Tomorrow we are going to get a little something from town to put in it or with it. It might not seem much in the big scheme of the whirling world but to both of us it was a little achievement and we all know its the little things that make the big world whirl isn't it?

Babies, business and analogies

I’m tired and ranty. This is similar to being grumpy only ranty is what I become when there is no one to be grumpy with! One might argue that there isn’t anyone here to be ranty at either but you can’t be grumpy with a blog post but you can be ranty. Think of it as a short disclaimer!  

Having your own business is like having your own children. Turns out all those people who I’ve heard say it before and have directed this seemingly unproductive advice at me are correct. I always assumed it was something to do with the analogy of nurturing it and watching it grow, loving it and wanting to protect it and so on blah blah but it is so much deeper and truer than that. I never imagined I would be overly sentimental about our businesses, they were the portkey to our future, but I would be one of those professional and realistic business owners who is honest and practical in my outlook.  Just as if you described parenting as a simple sentence of events it would not do it justice it is not enough to describe having your own businesses like that either.

I was out with a friend who I then only knew in a professional context. We were having a working lunch with my husband and my then six month old son. The waiter was wonderful, funny and friendly. He clearly adored babies and asked if he could play with our son (who was not interested in eating the feast laid out before us)...naturally we were all too happy for him to entertain him! We ate our meal together and enjoyed watching our son being shown off to the entire restaurant, he played his part beautifully and loved every second of having an adoring audience. When he brought him back to us he excitedly exclaimed how wonderful babies were and how much he misses his children at that age. We both smiled gratefully in agreement assuming this was in some way a compliment on how lovely our boy was. I was completely taken aback with the tone of absolute seriousness that my friend rebuked ‘you forget that they are incredibly hard work’. We all smiled waiting for the softness to follow but there was none. She meant it completely.

I have often reflected on this moment. It was a tiny fast rollercoaster in my mind for the minutes that followed. The initial natural motherly reaction of ‘are you implying my son is hard work?’ passed and then went on to the next swooping bend with the slightly less instinctive ‘but I am grateful for every moment of it’ phrase but ended the ride at ‘do you know what your bloody right. No one ever says that to me and no one ever really appreciates what hard work it really is’. I instantly respected her more than ever after that moment. It was honest and real and in no way as harsh as it initially felt, it was simply true. This business associate also turned out to be the woman we went on to buy a business from. Her baby. It was a pinnacle moment in my life, not just the purchase of the business and everything that has followed but this moment of recognition and respect of motherhood. I should have realised then that we were not just buying a business. We were adopting a new member of the family. Someone with its own needs that needs attention, love and time and that will require these all the time. Just as motherhood has helped me grow so did the business.  

I am intensely grateful for all of my ‘children’  though on this grumpy tired day when no amount of writing in a gratitude journal will take away the exhaustion at the relentless list of things to do and washing and tidying and cooking and birthdays to remember and calls to make and and and.... I am just allowing myself a little space to say you know what, it is great but it is bloody hard work.  

A bonus morning

A meeting was cancelled this morning leaving me ‘newtless’ and with a time credit. This should have been a positive thing, a relief – a gift really. But instead I am two hours in and doing everything I shouldn’t be and subsequently am now saying lots of things to myself that I would consider someone else saying to themselves as ridiculous.

I have so far idled away valuable time doing nothing. Incapable of concentrating. Incapacitated by the weight of stuff to do. I used to have a running joke with a friend about what her pull cord would say if she had one and even what my own would say, well lately mine has pretty much gone...’I have so much to do. I need to get some work done. I have so much to do. I have to get some work done’. Yawn or what?  The wisdom of Goddess Leonie’s words, spoken with her always happy, always shining aussie accent...”one thing at a time dearheart” keep coming back to me. I would be saying to someone else, someone not me that by doing nothing they are doing something equally important. That by turning your thoughts and much cherished time to something it must be of value to some part of you. That sounds great doesn’t it? Why then am I so disappointed and cross with myself!?

 At the moment I am adoring  exploring the world of radical living. Words such as honest, genuine, real and authentic all fly about my thoughts like little butterflies gently distracting and holding my attention for long enough to just consider their existence. Why then is it so hard to apply these concepts to ourselves and not just our children? A short lifetime of conditioning is awaiting removal from my mind. There’s probably less discipline, guilt and ‘should do’s clogging up my grey matter than there is in most peoples, ultimately there is not a lot of grey in my matter, more primaries really with a few pastels. I am a daydreamer, easily distracted & pretty willing to do pretty much whatever I most feel like doing most of the time but it is still there...niggling guilt..lurking in the shadows. My mind is thinking it needs to step in and prevent this self-sabotage somehow, to wrangle for control of the steering wheel and get me on the right track again.

There is much work to be done in this society...or rather undone anyway.  Teaching myself gentleness is coming in lots of forms. Perhaps all of this is just a way of understanding how difficult it might be for others to embrace this way of thinking..perhaps its all been a fantastic lesson in empathy, maybe it’s been a powerful and enlightening reflection or even just an hour not doing anything in-particular. Wonderful. I must remember to schedule this in next week so I can give it a healthy tick when I’m finished.   

To B or not B...that is the question.

B meaning Blog that is. I have gone to and fro, forward and back, round and round on the blog thing. The hippy doesn’t like the idea of it. He’s a private man.  I am relatively speaking I suppose. I don’t ‘do’ public really. My mental jury has been out on blogs for years...in fact, maybe I should go in search of them as perhaps they have forgotten and just gone home to carry on with their lives.

I keep coming back to it. I like the idea of it and I don’t. I love writing. I think I would love a blog. I have free guides to social networking booklets coming out of my inbox all saying how every business needs a blog – they are now an essential. BUT should you do one...never...never...mix business with pleasure! This would be a no no. Well this is where my blog journey grinds to a halt. How could I not? What I do for ‘business’, if you want to call it that, is my pleasure. I sell things I like. I hire birth pools because I believe in birth. This is tricky for me. I guess I am a bit radical and I do have opinions. Will this damage my business then? Will rambling away about other things be not just irrelevant but also a deterrent? Well, you know what. I don’t really know and I don’t think I really care. There is only way to find out.

My close friend sends me messages with blog posts that she has found and that she thinks I will enjoy reading. She is wonderful at sharing and quite inspirational in that. She sends the ones that she knows I’ll enjoy reading, that may challenge or enrich my ways,  that we can talk about next time we meet for our families to play. Lately they have enriched me. Sometimes I am surprised at their content, how much they have shared - at times I have thought it was too much and other times not enough. Will I end up doing this? Will I know when to stop? Should I need to? Oh brain..please be still for a while and relax and see.

 I’m supposed to be keeping a reflective diary as part of my studies. I guess I have given the game away there by even using the word supposed in that sentence. You would be right in thinking that I haven’t really been doing a very good job of doing this so far! I think far too much to ever write it all down! I’m not saying others don’t, we humans think too much for our own good, but I do more...here goes...’reflective thinking’. I daydream, I muse, I remember, I visualise and I, well distract myself a lot. It would be good for me to channel this I think. But the diary thing just doesn’t do it for me. This is why a blog could be great for me.

But shouldn’t it be good for others too?  What will I be giving in this energy exchange? People ask me regularly about how I set up The Natural Parenting Club, how to go about organising a support group like the Homebirth one I run. Why did we decide to unschool and what on earth is elimination communication anyway? If I share these thoughts will this be a good enough penny for mine? 

I guess we will just have to wait and see...